I Want to Be a VTuber Chapter 15

Chapter 15

“There really isn’t any problem right?”

“Yes mother. Miss Seoyeon is fine. “On the contrary I have a very strong heart.”

“I’m glad everything happened.”

A few days after the first shooting.

My mother immediately took me to a psychiatric hospital.

She said it was nominally for stress management but I could guess why.

She said ‘I guess it’s because of what I heard last time.’

These are the words of actress Kim Mi-yeon who we shot together in a previous CF commercial.

It seems that actor Jeong Eun-seon’s words this time also touched my heart greatly.

It was possible to roughly guess what the conversation between director Jeong Gong-tae his mother and actress Jeong Eun-seon was based on past events.

‘I guess it’s because of the emotional acting.’

I held her mother’s hand as we walked and saw my face reflected in her window.

She has the face of a cute girl.

6 years.

No this is ‘me’ who will soon be 7 years old.

‘Actress Jeong Eun-seon doesn’t like my acting.’

I don’t think it’s because I don’t like it.

She is a person who believes in the common saying ‘Let children be children.’

‘Refrain from acting emotionally when you are young and do it only after you are mentally mature.’

I think that was probably actress Jeong Eun-seon’s intention.

It’s not wrong.

Because when she was a child actress she didn’t need to act with deep emotions.

It’s enough for her to just ride the surface flow of emotions and that’s to the point where it’s overflowing.

I am not stupid.

Of course I know how people view my acting.

In particular Eun-seon Jeong may have thought that my acting was dangerous.

Of course I never thought of this as acting.

Because this was just something that was close to everyday life for me in my past life.

So to speak yes.

This is related to my past life.

Alexithymia.

This is a disease in which a person cannot properly feel the emotions of others or express them properly.

It is a little different from the disease commonly called sociopathy or psychopathy.

In my past life I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents.

And the reason why I was unemployed for so long was because of this.

So I was forced to be ordinary from a young age.

Nothing special.

Just like normal people we laugh when we’re happy and cry when we’re sad.

I had to learn each of those emotions one by one.

Copying emotions.

For that I encountered many media.

Movies dramas books web novels games.

Things that clearly show human emotions.

So that you can naturally blend in with the crowd.

For quite a long time I lived only for that.

Still I think I was lucky.

Usually people with the same disease as me say that even this is impossible.

The doctor even said that this was the first case like this.

“Mom I got a job.”

When I was able to say those words with a smile.

I was able to express the same emotions as others.

“Yes you can do that.”

Mom smiled and hugged me.

But even then I didn’t understand the feeling.

I think imitating my emotions is different from acting.

Simply imitating emotions can feel uncomfortable.

It reaches the commonly called ‘uncanny valley’ and makes people even more reluctant.

But I had quietly crossed that border.

Fake emotions that are infinitely closer to real emotions.

I lived in that world.

Gray neither black nor white.

A gray world.

Living in such a gray world what I happened to watch was a broadcast by a vertuber.

At first I didn’t understand why I was seeing this.

People who like looking at pictures that aren’t even human.

However whenever the vertuber did something people liked it.

He praised me and seemed very happy.

It was probably from then on.

I couldn’t watch it every time because I was working but I always looked at it when I had time.

A virtual mask made of 3D or pictures that does not reveal human emotions.

If that were the case maybe I would look like an ordinary person.

I thought so.

“Joo Seo-yeon.”

When I raised my head I saw the face of a heartbroken girl.

“What are you doing here alone? “Why don’t you come after me quickly?”

Jiyeon Lee crossed her arms and spoke in a very flirtatious manner.

Sometimes when I look at him I wonder if he really is 6 years old.

“I’m going.”

“Hmm.”

Jiyeon Lee looked me up and down.

Then I stared at the huge fish tank behind me.

“Is Beluga waiting?”

At those words I glanced behind me.

Today I was at the aquarium on a kindergarten field trip.

The sight of so many fish swimming in a huge tank was truly spectacular.

“Then why are you here?”

“I am.”

Jiyeon Lee hesitated for a moment and then said.

“I came to look for Mia. You are. “You.”

‘You’re lost.’

It seemed like there would soon be a broadcast about finding a missing child at the aquarium.

Of course that includes me.

“What are you doing don’t laugh! “Is it real?”

I laughed at Jiyeon Lee’s words and turned my head to the fish tank.

Laugh.

It’s not a big deal but it’s something very unfamiliar to me.

In fact for quite a long time after I was born I didn’t know what had changed in me.

You have become a woman.

He’s a cute kid. I think I looked at him from a slightly distant perspective thinking that.

I didn’t think deeply.

Because I didn’t know how to do anything more than that.

It’s still pretty much the same now.

Well I never tried to adapt to it in the first place.

Naturally I lived my life thinking that my body was the same as in my previous life.

I continued to have the feeling that something was different but perhaps I unconsciously rejected it.

…How stupid.

I realized this myself when I started acting.

Of course this body feels emotions just fine.

There is no disease and the body is very strong and healthy.

As expected the invincible TS body.

So so to speak.

I mean this feeling is unfamiliar to me.

If I’m conscious I can’t express it.

I don’t want to show myself dressed up like I was in my past life.

A contradiction arises there.

Probably actress Kim Mi-yeon too.

And actress Jeong Eun-seon.

It was clear that he had sensed this discrepancy in my emotions.

Both are actors who are accustomed to acting emotionally.

In particular actress Jeong Eun-seon’s method acting is said to be one of the top three in Korea.

So you may have noticed that my emotions are currently very unstable.

The emotions are unfamiliar.

I’m scared when I face it.

My acting is close to bringing back the daily life of my past life.

It’s an experience accumulated over decades so it’s natural that acting seems like something I could never do at my age.

If 100 points are one emotion what I can imitate is approximately 95 to 98.

So if anyone sees it it will be seen as an emotional performance that is close to perfect.

But it’s still close not 100 points.

And I am a child actor.

The level required is also low.

It’s natural to be surprised if you do it at a level that far exceeds that.

but.

‘The adult actors’ acting was definitely different.’

Everyone praised me and said I was better.

But it didn’t seem to me.

In particular I couldn’t even compare it to actors Kim Mi-yeon or Jeong Eun-seon whom I met before.

120 not 100. 

Or above.

People who can act beyond what is asked of them are commonly called talented actors.

If I grow like this I may become an actor close to 100 but anything more than that would be impossible.

As you get older the level of acting required ultimately increases.

My acting which does not change is bound to become stagnant in the end.

“…It’s an aquarium.”

“what? “Of course it’s an aquarium.”

“No I mean my acting.”

Look around.

The beautiful scenery of the aquarium was reflected in my eyes.

A world that simulates the sea.

Even this kind of imitation can impress people and move their emotions.

But it will still be insufficient compared to the real sea.

That’s roughly what it means.

“What are you saying?”

Jiyeon Lee spoke in a very disgusting manner.

Of course I didn’t expect much from my six-year-old.

I smiled and crossed my arms.

“It would be nice for the little one to be comfortable.”

“reflection.”

“….”

At that moment I couldn’t find anything to refute Jiyeon Lee’s ‘reflection’.

Because I felt like I was losing something if I answered.

‘Oh anyway.’

I turned my gaze to the back.

Suddenly a hidden white dolphin revealed itself.

It was called Beluga and was a popular star at this aquarium.

As I stretched out my hand toward the beluga approaching me the bridge of its nose touched the glass wall.

‘I guess I’ll have to adapt.’

This time she changed her thoughts after visiting the hospital and seeing her mother worried.

Although she had failed in her previous life she had no intention of being the same this time around.

And her past life experiences remained in my soul.

This is definitely a precious power that no other actor can possess.

‘And for desirable RP too!’

Didn’t the Virtuber I always see say that too?

You have to do everything with sincerity!

My goal so far has been to be a Virtuber.

Creating the virtual ‘me’ that my past self had longed for.

Even now it remains like a scar and hasn’t changed much.

but.

There is no reason to seriously do only one thing.

“Lee Ji-yeon.”

“huh?”

Turn your back on the blue light flowing from the water tank.

I spoke to Lee Ji-yeon who was staring blankly at the beluga.

“me.”

Smiling boldly and confidently.

“I’m going to become an actor.”

He is also a great actor loved by everyone.

***

Gong Gong-tae had a headache.

After listening to actress Jeong Eun-seon’s words it was clear that she was worried about what to do with Seo-yeon’s guidance.

‘But maybe it’s just concern?’

There are not many child actors in the world who are as accomplished as Jeong Eun-seon hopes.

How many people can she do between emotional acting and simple superficial acting?

Moreover Seoyeon has never had a hard time acting before.

So it’s okay….

“…If I said that it would sound like trash.”

“yes?”

“…!!”

Gong Gong-tae was startled and turned around.

Seoyeon who had already changed her clothes was standing there calmly.

“Hehehe. So Seoyeon everything was fine right?”

“yes. “Hello Director.”

As always when Seoyeon came to the filming set she gave a cute belly button greeting.

The staff always smiled happily at her greeting.

‘As expected let’s not overdo it. Let’s take it easy take it easy.’

She thought about it and nodded her head.

She is soothing her complicated mind.

“You don’t have to worry about acting.”

“…!”

Seoyeon suddenly said something like that.

‘You heard me!’

She was embarrassed and thought about saying something but Seoyeon bowed her waist again and disappeared.

The steps were lighter than usual.

“…huh?”

Gong Gong-tae who was looking at Seo-yeon’s back tilted her head.

I don’t know why.

Because I felt like something about her Seo-yeon had changed.

A word from the author (author review)

Her acting as Seo-yeon was something that was consistently criticized. (Her main character doesn’t feel special about her acting. She doesn’t get along with her parents. She gets scolded when she does something different. It’s related to mental health etc.)

She was thinking of taking it back slowly but she didn’t think there was any need to drag it so she decided to just take it all at once.

Because she wasn’t something to be discussed in depth in the story.

Well thank you for always having fun watching.

I’ll probably be applying for Plus soon so I’ll give it a try!